You think you fix one thing only to break another...theres no release in life, theres no such thing as happiness..it's a fallacy....dont wait for it, dont trust it and dont think it will last for more than a fleeting moment, because it will betray you the second it gets the chance.

Dont hope...hope is another..dont fool yourself into thinking you have it, dont think it's something you can gift to others either..it's not...it's not anything real...it's a dream, a dream of something far out of reach that you will never achieve..it will never be reality

Dont dare to dream, you'll only be let down...dont think you can fix things, you will ony have it swiped from under you....dont dare to think you may actually, perhaps, have gained a little foothold, a small place to push back up from...dont ever think you have hit rock bottom, you havent....there is Always further to go....

Dont give your most precious gift to another, they will Never treat it with the same love and respect you would yourself...dont expect it returned in the condition you gave it

Dont be open....it just leaves a space for remorse to slip in and live

ALWAYS guard you words

I'm trying to take each day as it comes....but with each day is something new, some new element to add to my confusion...I dont know whats going on ...I cant think or feel
Que sera sera

He's so right, you can only be used, when you allow it to be that way. When it's my choice, because I know that I can, and I will...and thats who I am...and I will never stop being that way, and I will never let it drag me down again....It's my choice, something I do because I have the ability to let it wash right over me, and so will never stop. I'll smile while I do it to, knowing in the end, when I look at myself....I will at least have stayed true to that one ideal....anyone who needs it, whenever asked, and even when not...will recieve it if it's within my power to do so.
I might have a heart and mind that wanders...but I have them, they are mine. I can be blamed for many things, things I know that I have caused, directly or indirectly....but I know in my heart I was not to blame for that....innocent words on a page are not enough, not for anyone.

Scapegoat I am, and scapegoat I will be....but, I know it's not on my head, nor will it be when I look back, and I wont spend a moment longer feeling wretched about it.

I know you asked me not to and if I could have any longer I would...

I sat there, watching out over the ocean...memories flooding into my mind..I remember how it made me feel, it seems so very long ago, when he told me he it was his special place..I asked him, in my he cheeky, guarded way, how many other women had he brought there, he seemed so serious in his answer..it was one of those moments, the ones you will always remember. They stick in your mind..I rememer, thinking how odd a place to eat pirate grub, but as I looked about the boat and back up at his face, it all made perfect sense. We talked about family, and the lack of it..pirates, skeletons and screwing up...looking back, it was done right then and there, I just took a while to realise it

I guess it was inevitable that words I write or speak would be thrown back at me, its a price we pay for using them, and nothing bites as deep as your own words cutting at you...trying to let it all go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, Im not sure whats forward, whats back, and wheres here, but I can only fumble on through and hope I come out the other side without dragging down too much with me.

I guess they call that atonement..the things you least wish to happen, being the payment for your sins and your acceptance and aid in it, part of the process. I started my atonement today some..I tried hard, it left me feeling utterly used and dejected, but thats part and parcel of it. I cannot be rude, I deserve whats thrown my way

In the end, all you have is your soul

I lost a page...but, I guess Im glad about that. It wasnt a page I wanted to return to, though I visit the ravine often, and it still holds the same sense of void..I guess I am not alone in that

Theres alot that I am responsible for, I do not deny it, nor deny my past..I cant wallow in it forever, I can only apologise for so long before the words become meaningless....and I can only make amends where I am at liberty to do so, and where people allow it...It is time to atone for the things I have done. I guess some people are always going to see me in a certain light. I cannot blame them, and never would....there has been enough blame in my life. There was a time when I would fight, but now I just wish to be...quietly, no fuss nor bother....and I shall forever guard my words......

I want...no I need, to take a moment and praise someone

Dan Goldstar is the most, unselfish, caring, giving, thoughtful, helpful gentleman I have met....he never expects a return on any aid he gives, and he does so freely, without question, to whomever needs it, on request, and even in passing...A quiet, truly selfless gentleman, a rarity in this land....I am, and will always count myself, grateful to know him and count him a friend..I pray the gods send him a green soon

I can feel them closing around me, biting deeper...much deeper than they were..before....I must not let all this happen again...

As if I hadnt done more than enough, it seems I ruined it for another..and this time with My words....with My thoughts. I dont know how he can look at me after she told him that, nothing I ever wrote was meant to cause that...it was all innocent, my honour and integrity may be in question...but NEVER for one moment was his...he deserves the world, and my foolish unthinking words tore his apart it seems

I am so sorry Gareth

I wander around blindly, everyone is being so nice, I hear his words and they cut me to my core. They drive the hilt of sorrow and guilt directly though me
I do not deserve their love or praise...I feel like I have betrayed everyone, and it would seem..I have

I am trying to be what I was, what everyone wants when they need it, I am trying to laugh and wink and chuckle...I am failing..so very badly, I am failing...I just want to run

It's hard just to wake, to breathe what I've done
I've none I can blame none other, just one
I've torn it asunder, I've left it to bleed
I've none I can face, to judge on my greed
I cant look at myself, cant see to my soul
I've draped it in sorrow, I've played it a fool
I wander through valleys. through fields, through streets
I smile, and I laugh, I deceive it still beats
I gave it away, my life for another
I gave it away, how dare I recover
This word that we use, this bittersweet shadow
The fallacy of happiness, the light we all follow
I was not meant to see, I darken it's doors
Not pity, not drama, a truth, nothing more
This is what I am , I just self destruct
I will let them down, abuse all their trust
The first time excused, the irony blatant
He saved me from that, I broke us as payment
I look at another, it all seems in vain
How do you start, when you base it in pain
How can it flourish, how can it grow
Theres just so much loss, I cannot let go
Into the tenebrae, the life left to fade
Into the tenebrae, enveloped by shade

I have hurt everyone...my guilt is complete and I deserve it

I have no excuses and I would not demean you all by trying to give some

there is nothing I can say

The pain and the loss....it's all my fault....I know nothing I say will ever be enough, and will never take away the things I have done

I never intentionally meant to and I dont know how I could have changed anything


I am so very sorry

I guess I knew it was coming...it was unfair of me to think there could have been any other outcome..at least......at least I didnt tell him

Self perpetuating destiny..freedom is a fallacy

What happens when you steal something you never intentionally meant to....how do you give it back..especially when it doesnt want to be returned

maybe it will make my confusion less..complete, I dont know....I understand why, but ...I guess it doesnt matter anyway

Whatever he needs

It's like swimming through an endless sea, rolling and pitching back and forth, calming for a moment, only to be caught in a violent eddy..spiralling downwards in the tortile current, until the disorientation is no longer bearable.... and then, suddenly, thrown wildly back out into the ocean.

A thick fog blankets everything but for the 4 inches in front of my nose...all senses seem dulled and jaded, obscured beyond comprehension...but, when it dissapates, just for the briefest miracle of moments, I am left awestruck.....

A breathtaking coruscation of sunshine assails every inch of my skin, seeping deep into my flesh, leaving my core basking contendtedly in the sudden glow, alive with the unexpected caress of warmth.. I cast my gaze towards the heavens, the sky a vibrant azure, the sun a blazing beacon, cutting valliantly through even the densest of stormclouds......for one pure, exhillerating moment of sweet clarity,... before, inevitably, the clouds finally overcome the skies, and the fog once again reasserts itself upon my conscience, and plunges me back into the muted depths of my confusion


I dont know what to say or do, I cant think, I cant speak.....I wander blindly through things and..I fall .....self perpetuating, yet again

I guess I wanted to hear it, no...I needed to hear it...it took my breath away, but now I am truly lost, I am too scared to write here......


Words.....I no longer want to live in a world with words.....perhaps I should watch for the actions and not hear the words

How does anyone understand what they feel...how do we interpret things, all things, anything...

Interpretation is based on perspective, and truthfully in some cases. what we would like it to be...but I have such trouble defining some things

Other peoples words often confuse me, I guess I think too much in that respect, but I often wonder what they are implying, or how I should take things...some things are all too plain, and those confuse me as much as the others...I dont know what scares me more, that the Cleric is right or that he is wrong..but I know it'll all end up the same, self perpetuating


I remember having a conversation with Amzer about the concept of interpretation, what seems an age ago. I dont think we came to any conclusion, as is often the way when conversing with Amzer...he can talk me in circles and I feel none the wiser at the end....I wonder if he remembers even half of what we talk about

Did something break? or did it go a little way towards mending..I dont know, but I think I am a little more prepared for ...for it, should it happen...I dont know, Im more hopeful these past two days than I have been in a few weeks..at least we talked it through, and I know where I stand now, even if it means things are uncertain

why can people never just be honest with each other..for nothing more than honesty's sake.


How ironic life is...my stomach is in perpetual knots, my thoughts twist and eddy...where once I would have known what to say, nay I would have just opened my mouth and allowed my feelings to show...I cannot anymore, I do not know what to say or even if I should speak. I dont know what he needs from me, or if he needs anything at all....so I sit and wait, marc upon marc, or I train...He wakes and I think..maybe he'll speak, come to a decision..say something..see me, talk to me, anything ....but then I am crushed

I wander around grinning and greeting people, and I dont say a word, I dont show a thing...I dont think I have anything to show......I think I am numb to anything but my constant turmoil


I have no clarity...Im so lost

So many things have happened...and yet nothing seems to have happened at all


It seems I have a talent for confusing people....theres a surprise...two seperate people have informed me of the fact in the last two days...considering how often my own confusion claims me it's hardly surprising it passes...probably via some slow form of osmosis...onto the people I spend most time with..perhaps I should come with a health warning..

'Warning...prolonged exposure causes partial brain fuzziness'

That whole conversation with him has left me lost.........It has drifted around my conscious thought ever since...until I literally drove myself to train, sans pirate ale, hoping it would stop me thinking. He said it stopped him thinking...but for me it just seemed to make things worse...

As I repeated the monotonous steps of training, blindly bludgeoning random gremlins, it just seemed to give my thoughts more time to swirl about, then coalesce tantalisingly into some small glimpse of a cognitive epiphany, maybe an answer, maybe a direction...only to dissipate straight back into an endless sea of dubiety

That poor man must have thought I was crazy, he was my outlet for the afternoon, I hounded him with questions that I knew he wouldnt be able to answer, for they were personal to me....but by that point I was so lost to the perpetual cycle of thought that I needed to just talk aloud at someone for a while...I think I possibly scared him a little ..alas

It's my new space...it has many memories for me..it's where I like to think..perhaps thats fitting some, considering what it is..it's where I sit now, it leaves me with nothing but my own conscious thought to focus on...

I sat here some nights ago, and with a singular piece of charcoal I brought forth part of my soul, I drew an image...and in that image I placed the stray part of me, perhaps it will stay safe there...perhaps it will soar


When he told me of it, I knew the trust that took, I wanted nothing more than to fix it somehow, but there was nothing I could do...save listen and remember...it only serves to remind me how grateful I am to know him